She was my first. And she left me. Again. I can't help but feel abandoned, especially when she promised me she wouldn't do this again, wouldn't make such a big decision without me, wouldn't suddenly leave me without trying to talk it out, work it out. And she's expounded upon what she said she would not do. Not only has she failed to follow through with her promise, but she has left me after barely having time to see or speak to me in three weeks. Of course we don't feel that close. We havn't even been physically that close, we havn't been near eachother. But nevermind. There's no changing what she said, what she did. There's no renewing her promise. I told her outright never to ask me back. That would be tortorous, and unfair. I don't know if I'd actually be able to refuse, so she can never ask, or she'd be taking advantage of my weakness for her. I can't allow myself to go through this with her again. I cannot. I don't regret that she was my first. I could think of no one more perfect to have been there for me. What I regret is that I was not her last, and that she will not be mine. I would've given anything for her. I would have sacrificed everything. She didn't even take the time to try to work things out. Of course, things aren't really that black and white, though I wish they were. She told me I was the first person she ever really loved. Now, of course, she wanted me to come back to her a month after she'd left me and had previously told me that she did love Billy, but that's not what's important. The iportant part is that she had grand feelings for me that have died. It would've been easier if she had never loved me. She let our love die. I don't know that I can forgive her for that. But I still love her. I wish I didn't, I wish I could just hate her and never think of her again. But the thing is, the best memories I have in life, all of them, are with her. All my happy moments, my biggest joys, are attributed to her. And memory has nothing else to offer me now, no consolation against her. I wish this weren't happening. I don't want to love her anymore. It hurts. My god, it hurts. There needs to be a pill for people afflicted with love who don't want to be in love anymore. It's as painful a disease as anyother, this unretruned love, I'm sure. I love her. She does not love me. That is what makes me wish I could stop living. But I can't. And I know she's going to go to him. I just know it. Maybe not for anything serious, or anything involving any real emotions, but I know she'll go to him again like she did before. That thought alone makes me want to splatter my brains across the walls. Unfortunately for grieving mind, I do not have the capacity for suicide, not in the least. So if anyone is worrying about that, don't. I hate im. The only person in the world I hate. Before her, before him, I didn't know I could hate. She taught me many things. And I her. I guess, most of all, I taught her not to be in love with me. I hate myself and I want to die. That's the title to a Nirvana song. Coincidence, I assure you.